Reminding Ms. Wanna Be

1-19-2012 / 5:30 pm

“It is true that we have failed, but never have we become failures..”  This reality broke through my close-minded thinking of lack and frustration.

image taken from google.com

Why do we need to fall so hard?

A lot of people have told me that mistakes happen so that we could learn and grow. That itself has been hard to accept as I was going through my teens. I was naïve, thinking that I could avoid going through those situations by learning through others’ experiences.  Observing other people was quite harder than I thought. Some people, who believed, were ‘experts’ in giving advices couldn’t even follow their own advices when the arrow of trials and temptations strike them back.

Years have also put me being in that ‘expert’s chair.’ I thought that my wits could solve the problem of others. However, when it turned back to me, everything seemed irrational.  I had those times when I couldn’t accept the fact that I failed, especially when I know I have given it my best. I was competitive and deep inside, I know that pride had swallowed me whole.

When I was about to go college, I was torn, finding that I was not accepted to the school I was hoping to study at. Some who knew couldn’t believe it and was asking my condition while I was taking my examinations. It had hurt me, especially when the people I care about the most had thought that I flunked on purpose.  I carried that hurt up for a few years. My conversation with God was full of WHY’s. I was starting to doubt if even taking Nursing as my course was a mistake. I was having a hard time, because I find my thoughts drifting to the ‘what if’s in my life’s event. I couldn’t understand the learning that I should gain during my first few years in college and I thought that the easiest way to escape was giving up.

Whipped by grace

Sinking in to my thoughts of depression, I lost zeal in going to school, and even in my ministry in church. I thought that I should bear a few more months attending classes before telling my parents that I’ve really decided to shift course or degree. Almost every day, I woke up frowning and blunting about how poor my performance was in school. My parents were still supportive of me, despite of being hurt of how I became distant from them. I wasn’t responding when they were asking me something and only shouting back when they would finally raise their tone to call my attention. I was selfish of thinking of only my concerns, not minding that other people are hurting the same.

It was during my 3^rd year that I was given my final wake up call. I was turning into someone that even my family members are becoming unfamiliar of. I wasn’t studying before exams and quizzes and I blamed that our teacher was not giving us much to learn from. It was my first time having a grade lower than the average.  I tried to bargain my teacher to recheck my papers, but, it was impossible to raise that grade with just a few points from my examination. That was it. There was no one to blame but myself. The consequences of my action spoke clearly that I was making a wrong turn in my life.

Getting up from the dirt

For years, I have cultivated my failure and had let it haunt me for years. I remember failing to answer a question in one of our quizzes in college. It was simple and yet, I had not answered it correctly. Of pride, I let the question pass by and try to remove it from my consciousness. It turned out that that same question was given later in our examinations. I felt embarrassed and frustrated since I couldn’t remember the correct answer. I think this happens a lot to most of us. The same mistake happens when we opt not to learn from it. Nearly biting to the taste of absolute defeat, God rescued me. It was during that time I got hurt again that I began to see myself.

I thought that I could rise up myself from the dirt of pessimism. Yet, beyond those questions and thoughts against God’s purpose, He used my family and friends to encourage me and to lift me up. It was one of my faults considering that letting other people help me was a sign of weakness. Rather, thinking that I can do it alone was a cover up for pretending to be strong.

Back on track

God is so awesome. Though there are so many things that  still, I don’t understand, I’m putting my trust in Him , for His ways are higher than our ways, and His thoughts, are higher that our thoughts. (Ps. 55:9). I remember one thing Kari Jobe has discussed in her lecture about worship, that people should stop seeking answers to their questions and instead seek God’s presence. Our human minds may pull of the greatest advice, yet, only God knows the best solution there is. Often, I have others asking me of some piece of advice. Using God’s word turns to work better than my limited thinking and naïve feelings.

I have been blessed being reminded of God’s word in Luke 18:1, where Jesus told His disciples that they should always pray and never give up. So, at times that we feel close to the dusts of defeat, we shouldn’t keep our heads up, remaining in our own strength. Instead, we should kneel and pray, for surely God will lift us up.

P.S. I have just heard this song a while ago, and it has inspired me through writing this testimony. Thank you for reading my blog and hearing this song below.

You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up

Waiting for the sunrise
Waiting for the day
Waiting for a sign
That I’m where you want me to be

You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You’re reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground

chorus:

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

I know I’m not perfect
I know I make mistakes
I know that I have let you down
But you love me the same

And when I’m surrounded
When I lose my way
When I’m crying out and falling down
You are here to

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with your love
With your love
I don’t know what I can offer
In this moment I surrender to your love
To your love