She Raised Her Hand

 
April 11, 2011.
 
I consider this date memorable. Not because it has marked the start of our review sessions for the nursing licensure exams but because it has reminded me of important things regarding my life and my purpose.
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7:15 am. Whew.  “Yes! Haanak nga late,” I congratulated myself for arriving 15 minutes before call time. Only to find out that most of the other reviewees were also early. A long line was already formed infront of the CCA theater for attendance and claiming bags and ID’s. I was scanning for familiar faces, finding someone whom I can share the thoughts of ‘not being prepared yet.’ I found some of my classmates and I have joined them in their lines. As we entered the venue, my being was not yet focused on what was ahead of me. I was still drifting in the twilights of vacation and free time to rest. Yes, I was day dreaming.
 
Minutes later, when we were all seated, the program facilitator welcomed us. Familiar environment, I thought. Same teachers, same faces. I was thinking that I would not have a hard time adjusting to this environment. The feeling of  fear was starting to come as I was entertaining the thought that months from now, I will be taking my exams. I didn’t know what to think really. I was not confident of my current status. Of all the people who were inside the theater, what if I’m the only one who would not pass? The program  was about to start and my mind was still wandering along the pavements of denial. “I’m still a student, am I not?” 
 
One of our instructors called all our attention as we were to start the program with a prayer. The song was starting to play… and it was a familiar song for me.. I started to sing along with the first lines… “You are my strength when I am weak…” I felt as though my whole presence was not inside that theater, I was asking myself, “Why Am I here?” As I was  singing along the song , my eyes were also observing people on my sides who were texting, chatting and some were starting to fall asleep.. And when I was to focus my eyes to look in front… my heart stopped for a  moment. 
 

 
One of the person infront of our row was raising her hand while singing to the song flashed in front. As I was continuing to observe her, I didn’t notice that tears where rolling down my cheek. I felt embarassed at first for what I saw. There, was that person who  was worshiping the Lord and was giving her all while I was there focusing things on myself and entertaining my own perceptions.I was reminded of Matthew 6:33 which says, “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you.”  How many times have we wondered why things did not work out as we have planned them to be? I’ve had those times when I thought that I could manage things and that with enough planning, everything will be all right.. Yet, I end up failing and disappointing myself and other people of the consequences of my actions. 

The song in front played and I was caught up in the phrase, You are my all in all… When have we sought God first before we do things? Do we really consult Him when we are faced with decisions or do we just  have Him as our spare tire, our last option? 

Often we complain that we have busy lives and that we can’t afford to spend time with God and ask Him to guide us. Sometimes we even question why events happen in our lives- and if God has a purpose in our lives, why do we end up hurt? I had experienced this things myself and have realized that I have acted my own plans, my own decisions. Sometimes, we seem to command God saying, “God, this is my decision… guide me, because I’m going now.”  We often don’t realize that God has something better for us and it takes patience and time for us to know. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8

After the song was played, we were given a moment to pray. Only God could make me pass the board exam. My efforts would be futile if it is not centered to Him. I have had examinations in the past where after all the review nights, I ended up blank and was not able to answer the questions in the test paper. I wouldn’t let that happen again. I thank God for that song. Truly, He is our strength when we are weak. There are situations in life where people around us would tell us it is impossible, but through God I believe it to be the other way around. If He is for us, who can be against us?

I’ve been wanting to write this for quite some time.  This has served as a reminder for me of why I was at that place, at that time. I have also experienced failures, had regrets, yet.. I would say that  we still have hope for change if we do focus on our goals today. One of my childhood friends told me to never give-in, never give-up. . for chances come once in awhile. It is just waiting for us to receive it, if we are prepared. Losing motivation and giving up isn’t an excuse. Let the waves wash away our regrets and let its current push us towards the ocean of learning and success.

Again, thanks for reading my blog. God bless!

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I hope you watch this song below, which I was mentioning in my blog.

You are my all in all by Nicole Nordeman

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I’d be a fool
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name