Forgiving Yourself

“Don’t bottle up your feelings…” This was part of the message directed to me in a blog posted by one of my friends in a social networking site years ago. 

 I had the attitude of keeping things to myself. This has made a lot of scars for the past years…  Suppression has been one of my coping mechanisms. I always choose verbalization of feelings last on my list. I thought that saying my problems to people may be just a bother to them. In that stand point, I thought that managing problems all by myself would be better. 

All in one

There were those times where I would accept responsibilities without any complains, that even though I knew it would be quite impossible to finish or accomplish, I just put up a smile. It was all right for quite some time, until I experienced being burned out.  I didn’t know what things to do first and the more the people asked  updates about it, the higher the stress level I experienced , which was also contributory to my being insomniac.  Moreover, I don’t really expect anything big in return, yet even the gesture of saying thanks… I haven’t received frome some. Most of my friends would tell me that I could not please everybody; yet, wouldn’t you do something to satisfy or accomplish the favor asked from you?  Frankly, I would rather receive any feedback- be it positive or negative. At most times,I was not quite sure if they liked it or not. At the process of making or doing their favor, all I have been  thinking were their happiness. Some may see my statements as being selfish, but a smile would be quite enough for me to know it’s all right. 

I remember one of my childhood friends telling me to learn to  say ‘NO’ to “favor-askers.” Since then, I have managed time and have uh, improved setting my priorities. I have decided to refuse juggling too many things at the same time. I have also realized that by saying ‘no’ to some people, it  turned out to have a good effect on them. There were some, who were lazy, or who weren’t quite confident of their own abilities. It was a way of boosting too their skills, there were some who were really proud of how they made it on their own. 

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Bucket of Tears

Being molded to become a better person isn’t that easy. Tough times… tough times.. Even though I would be cautious of my actions, my words and not hurting others… I had made people cry. It was never my intention to hurt other people, lest to see tears falling from their eyes. If there were ways to atone for the mistakes I have made then I would willingly do it. However, as they say, one can’t cry over spilled milk. What is done is done. The only thing left to do is to learn from that mistake and not to do it again. I admit that experiencing the situation itself is depressing and hurtful, especially when one does not hear forgiveness from the person who was hurt. Most of times, I have blamed myself, my nature  for saying those words… if I could…

I’ve learned that people are different. Sometimes I lose sensitivity of  how should I interact with people,because of being comfortable around them. It may be seen as my way of being close with other people, since I’m not that good at expressing my feelings and emotions. I  miss out the red line of what is wrong and what is right. It would still remain a challenge for me to screen out what my behaviours should be. Pride, is such a strong word that breaks relationships among people. I really do have a lot of working to do with my attitude and character.

Beyond these which have happened, I am really thankful to the Lord, who made me realize these things.  Importantly, I have seen that I was hurting myself through those times. Keeping myself locked up by the thought of being ‘unforgiven’ has hindered me to a lot of things. I’m putting my trust on God, and let Him take control’ after doing my part .Doing these alone would surely fail… God moves mountains and sees our desire.. I know he’ll do things in His time. I admit that sometimes, I seem to hurry up God for an answer but just as in a cocoon, I have to wait for that butterfly to come out and not force things out prematurely.

 Truly, I’m running still on this rough road. It may be quite sometime when I would learn how to drive a car, and then it may be faster to travel towards achieving my goal. 

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I do hope you watch this vid.. It summarizes all of which I have been trying to say above. Thanks for reading. Comments are appreciated. teehee. 

If my heart has grown cold
There Your love will unfold
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
When I’m blind to my way
There Your Spirit will pray
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand

Oceans will part nations come
At the whisper of Your call
Hope will rise glory shown
In my life Your will be done

Present suffering may pass
Lord Your mercy will last
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
And my heart will find praise
I’ll delight in Your way
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand