She Raised Her Hand

 
April 11, 2011.
 
I consider this date memorable. Not because it has marked the start of our review sessions for the nursing licensure exams but because it has reminded me of important things regarding my life and my purpose.
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7:15 am. Whew.  “Yes! Haanak nga late,” I congratulated myself for arriving 15 minutes before call time. Only to find out that most of the other reviewees were also early. A long line was already formed infront of the CCA theater for attendance and claiming bags and ID’s. I was scanning for familiar faces, finding someone whom I can share the thoughts of ‘not being prepared yet.’ I found some of my classmates and I have joined them in their lines. As we entered the venue, my being was not yet focused on what was ahead of me. I was still drifting in the twilights of vacation and free time to rest. Yes, I was day dreaming.
 
Minutes later, when we were all seated, the program facilitator welcomed us. Familiar environment, I thought. Same teachers, same faces. I was thinking that I would not have a hard time adjusting to this environment. The feeling of  fear was starting to come as I was entertaining the thought that months from now, I will be taking my exams. I didn’t know what to think really. I was not confident of my current status. Of all the people who were inside the theater, what if I’m the only one who would not pass? The program  was about to start and my mind was still wandering along the pavements of denial. “I’m still a student, am I not?” 
 
One of our instructors called all our attention as we were to start the program with a prayer. The song was starting to play… and it was a familiar song for me.. I started to sing along with the first lines… “You are my strength when I am weak…” I felt as though my whole presence was not inside that theater, I was asking myself, “Why Am I here?” As I was  singing along the song , my eyes were also observing people on my sides who were texting, chatting and some were starting to fall asleep.. And when I was to focus my eyes to look in front… my heart stopped for a  moment. 
 

 
One of the person infront of our row was raising her hand while singing to the song flashed in front. As I was continuing to observe her, I didn’t notice that tears where rolling down my cheek. I felt embarassed at first for what I saw. There, was that person who  was worshiping the Lord and was giving her all while I was there focusing things on myself and entertaining my own perceptions.I was reminded of Matthew 6:33 which says, “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you.”  How many times have we wondered why things did not work out as we have planned them to be? I’ve had those times when I thought that I could manage things and that with enough planning, everything will be all right.. Yet, I end up failing and disappointing myself and other people of the consequences of my actions. 

The song in front played and I was caught up in the phrase, You are my all in all… When have we sought God first before we do things? Do we really consult Him when we are faced with decisions or do we just  have Him as our spare tire, our last option? 

Often we complain that we have busy lives and that we can’t afford to spend time with God and ask Him to guide us. Sometimes we even question why events happen in our lives- and if God has a purpose in our lives, why do we end up hurt? I had experienced this things myself and have realized that I have acted my own plans, my own decisions. Sometimes, we seem to command God saying, “God, this is my decision… guide me, because I’m going now.”  We often don’t realize that God has something better for us and it takes patience and time for us to know. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8

After the song was played, we were given a moment to pray. Only God could make me pass the board exam. My efforts would be futile if it is not centered to Him. I have had examinations in the past where after all the review nights, I ended up blank and was not able to answer the questions in the test paper. I wouldn’t let that happen again. I thank God for that song. Truly, He is our strength when we are weak. There are situations in life where people around us would tell us it is impossible, but through God I believe it to be the other way around. If He is for us, who can be against us?

I’ve been wanting to write this for quite some time.  This has served as a reminder for me of why I was at that place, at that time. I have also experienced failures, had regrets, yet.. I would say that  we still have hope for change if we do focus on our goals today. One of my childhood friends told me to never give-in, never give-up. . for chances come once in awhile. It is just waiting for us to receive it, if we are prepared. Losing motivation and giving up isn’t an excuse. Let the waves wash away our regrets and let its current push us towards the ocean of learning and success.

Again, thanks for reading my blog. God bless!

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I hope you watch this song below, which I was mentioning in my blog.

You are my all in all by Nicole Nordeman

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord, to give up I’d be a fool
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name 

Forgiving Yourself

“Don’t bottle up your feelings…” This was part of the message directed to me in a blog posted by one of my friends in a social networking site years ago. 

 I had the attitude of keeping things to myself. This has made a lot of scars for the past years…  Suppression has been one of my coping mechanisms. I always choose verbalization of feelings last on my list. I thought that saying my problems to people may be just a bother to them. In that stand point, I thought that managing problems all by myself would be better. 

All in one

There were those times where I would accept responsibilities without any complains, that even though I knew it would be quite impossible to finish or accomplish, I just put up a smile. It was all right for quite some time, until I experienced being burned out.  I didn’t know what things to do first and the more the people asked  updates about it, the higher the stress level I experienced , which was also contributory to my being insomniac.  Moreover, I don’t really expect anything big in return, yet even the gesture of saying thanks… I haven’t received frome some. Most of my friends would tell me that I could not please everybody; yet, wouldn’t you do something to satisfy or accomplish the favor asked from you?  Frankly, I would rather receive any feedback- be it positive or negative. At most times,I was not quite sure if they liked it or not. At the process of making or doing their favor, all I have been  thinking were their happiness. Some may see my statements as being selfish, but a smile would be quite enough for me to know it’s all right. 

I remember one of my childhood friends telling me to learn to  say ‘NO’ to “favor-askers.” Since then, I have managed time and have uh, improved setting my priorities. I have decided to refuse juggling too many things at the same time. I have also realized that by saying ‘no’ to some people, it  turned out to have a good effect on them. There were some, who were lazy, or who weren’t quite confident of their own abilities. It was a way of boosting too their skills, there were some who were really proud of how they made it on their own. 

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Bucket of Tears

Being molded to become a better person isn’t that easy. Tough times… tough times.. Even though I would be cautious of my actions, my words and not hurting others… I had made people cry. It was never my intention to hurt other people, lest to see tears falling from their eyes. If there were ways to atone for the mistakes I have made then I would willingly do it. However, as they say, one can’t cry over spilled milk. What is done is done. The only thing left to do is to learn from that mistake and not to do it again. I admit that experiencing the situation itself is depressing and hurtful, especially when one does not hear forgiveness from the person who was hurt. Most of times, I have blamed myself, my nature  for saying those words… if I could…

I’ve learned that people are different. Sometimes I lose sensitivity of  how should I interact with people,because of being comfortable around them. It may be seen as my way of being close with other people, since I’m not that good at expressing my feelings and emotions. I  miss out the red line of what is wrong and what is right. It would still remain a challenge for me to screen out what my behaviours should be. Pride, is such a strong word that breaks relationships among people. I really do have a lot of working to do with my attitude and character.

Beyond these which have happened, I am really thankful to the Lord, who made me realize these things.  Importantly, I have seen that I was hurting myself through those times. Keeping myself locked up by the thought of being ‘unforgiven’ has hindered me to a lot of things. I’m putting my trust on God, and let Him take control’ after doing my part .Doing these alone would surely fail… God moves mountains and sees our desire.. I know he’ll do things in His time. I admit that sometimes, I seem to hurry up God for an answer but just as in a cocoon, I have to wait for that butterfly to come out and not force things out prematurely.

 Truly, I’m running still on this rough road. It may be quite sometime when I would learn how to drive a car, and then it may be faster to travel towards achieving my goal. 

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I do hope you watch this vid.. It summarizes all of which I have been trying to say above. Thanks for reading. Comments are appreciated. teehee. 

If my heart has grown cold
There Your love will unfold
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
When I’m blind to my way
There Your Spirit will pray
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand

Oceans will part nations come
At the whisper of Your call
Hope will rise glory shown
In my life Your will be done

Present suffering may pass
Lord Your mercy will last
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
And my heart will find praise
I’ll delight in Your way
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand
As You open my eyes to the work of Your hand