I'm taking these opportunity to speak out. This may be considered another side of me.. and I'd be more than happy if you would share with me this journey... Welcome to my page. :)

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Behind the scenes

May 6, 2010

 “Things aren’t always what they seem
You’re only seeing part of me
There’s more than you could ever know
Behind the scenes
I’m incomplete and I’m undone
But I suppose like everyone
There’s so much more that’s going on
Behind the scenes”

 

To describe a person in one word, in my opinion would be impossible. A person who you may say is an honest man, may be branded by someone as a cheat. A person who we may see as a cheat may actually be seen as an honest man by other people. That is society. At one point or another we have played that part- to stereotype or even descriminate. All of us are actually a part of this masquerade.

Who are those people who are really true? I don’t really know. I don’t even consider myself as that. I remember one friend I had back then. He would tell me he was living in his shadows..that he likes to hide behind his mask..  I don’t really understand why he said that. I don’t really know why I feel attracted to that mystery. Who was he? Was I the person who would see who he really was? That question may have been the reason why now, I have lost him as a friend. I think I have, in one way, pushed him. I had thought that I was the person who was very transparent, that I didn’t hide any lies from him. What really happened was that I, myself, had been hiding in my own shadows and was pretending at times to be happy… to be full of life.. when actually, I was getting tired of breathing. 

For me, the greatest puzzle is not when we can’t understand another person, but when we can’t understand our own selves. At some point in my life, I admit that I become a great pretender. Smiling even though, deep inside  I really wanted to fight back. I smiled when what  I really  wanted was to cry. Why? Maybe because I wouldn’t want others to see that I’m vulnerable. Maybe because I wanted to show an aura which shows that I could manage it all. It turned out that the more I would accept it, the more pain others would cause me. They wouldn’t be sensitive of my feelings since I don’t show it to them. They may think that it’s okay for since I don’t complain.

Why.. Why do I have to put up a mask. Why can’t I show them that it’s been difficult. Why can’t I be the weaker one? I guess I can’t since my pride has been so big that it has overwhelmed me.I would rather blame others for my mistake. They aren’t sensitive enough and now I’m resolving to self-pity. Why?

There were moments in the past where I had ‘break-downs.’ At that one event, when I couldn’t keep my composure, I cried when my groupmates were with me. I had felt as if a heavy burden in my heart wanted to come out-then, bursted out tears. It was so painful. I was thinking of myself.. myself.. and only myself.  There were some instances that I cried before my parents, expressing the ‘unfair life’ that I am in. I even doubt the purpose of my existence. Why should one suffer?

Up to know. I am still puzzled why I am so fond of hiding behind a mask. There were instances though that I have to wear it so that I would not hurt other people. I would seem to put up a happy face when in fact I am utterly upset of other people. I would decide to stay calm when I am angry when I feel the heat boiling up. I choose silence when I feel that I would burst out harsh words. I choose to stay strong for other people when I know they need me most. 

That is the puzzle that I have to figure out. There may be moments where we need to put our masks on.. depending on what reasons we have. :)

 


Posted by jdcdumapis at 2:41 pm | permalink

Previous Comments

judie dumapis. whew. what can i say? you know, i never had the courage to cry in front of anyone, because they might say that i am weak, what more, in front of my parents. i keep it to myself, and go cool my self down. even if i’d like to say what’s deep inside of me, i fall short of courage. and i don’t know why. i have always been true to myself and to others, but sometimes, i think i’m not me. i never imagined that behind your sweet smile is a ton of tears. isn’t it that wearing masks in a drama makes you an actor, doing things instructed to do? so in real life. you know, all of us are actors, if only we know how to unmask ourselves. it’s hard to accept, but it’s reality. as we go through life’s journey, we are slowly taking that mask off.
even though we seldom see each other, you know i’m always here judie. yes the years have gone, but the bond gets stronger. you can always count on me. i love you my friend. God bless you more. :)

Posted by hero at September 20, 2010, 12:17 am

~ thank you for you comment..
I do agree that we are all wearing our own masks.. Actors, yeah, it's kind of weird how I see that we don't really do things or say things according to what we want or feel. I don't know, even if we say that we are true to ourselves, it's not a guarantee that it's 100%, may be about 90%, where the 10% may be kept because we are either scared of hurting others or ourselves. I do keep a lot from other people… may be there's more to me you don't know yet and there's more of you that I don't know either. I guess, I have reached that point that I couldn't continue on pretending that I don't feel hurt. I think I had enough of it already that I felt like bursting at any moment…

Now that I think of it, you never saw me cry have you? haha.. well.. I really can't imagine myself too. I have always taken things lightly, laugh or joke out loud, that has been my exterior… I'm seen as someone strong, loud and care-free. Well, what can I say, times change…

And yeah, don't worry hero…I know you're always there… I may have changed most of my viewpoints in life but this one remains: A friend's always a friend. I wouldn't give-up on myself since you guys haven't given up on me.

Thank you again for reading this blog. God bless you friend. :)

Posted by jdcdumapis at September 20, 2010, 12:39 am

judie dearest, i too have wondered about the ¨masks¨ I have put on all these years. But one day, it hit me, maybe the question is not why we put those masks on, but is there really something behind the masks? I struggled with that thought. Asking myself who I really was. Then I realized, the masks were all part of me. They were stages to what I am now. Maybe there wasn´t even a mask in the first place, it was just me growing and learning.
Hahaha, You may not agree with me and I understand dear. I am actually following an existentialist and absurdist philosophy here. I believe that our identities are not finished. We create them and constantly reinvent them for whatever purpose we have. There is no static ¨you¨. It´s a continuous process.
But even if we undergo this process, there is still that ¨complex¨ thing that makes special people in our lives recognize us despite the changes. Hehe, of course, I´m not talking about physical appearance, but something more profound - your ¨existence¨. I have a more appropriate philosophical term, pero mas nakakawindang kaya wag na, hehe.
¨Omnia mitantur, nihil interit (Evertyhing changes but nothing is truly lost).¨ Ayun, one of my favorite philo quotes. Hehe, I´ll leave you with that quote Judie. Maybe you can use that to ponder on some things in your life. Kasi, ako, kapag naalala ko yan, laging nag-iiba yung meaning or interpretation ko dyan eh…

Anyway, pinagisipan ko talaga kung magco-comment ako dito eh at kung hanggang saan lang ang dapat na sabihin ko. Alam ko kasi na may tendency na hindi na ako maintindihan kapag pinahaba ko ang comment ko at dinagdagan ko ng philo o basta magmumukhang magulo yung sinasabi ko.

Hay, ayun, so, ang masasabi ko lang Judie dear, is that whoever you are or whatever identity you are trying to project, your ¨existence¨ is very much recognized by my own ¨existence¨. Stay happy, even though it may seem hard. See you when I see you. Iayab u ti graduation ahhh—harharhar

Posted by sharine at September 20, 2010, 5:24 am

oh doodie:)like louis, what can i say..really good my friend:)you’re really brave to finally voice out what you’re really feeling..that’s good.better than keeping it all to yourself..that’s why we’re here man..pagsharam.friends ngarud.good,bad,ugly,pretty.whatever.we’re here for you:)we’re all just the same..all actors starring in our own movie we like to call our life.its just that you’re braver than us to finally admit it and not hide behind the bullshits anymore..anyhoo whatever happens i love you friend.always take care:)

Posted by kim at September 20, 2010, 8:38 am

@sharine: haha.. don’t worry. I do respect your views and ideas. hehe. and I agree with the quote you left me with that, everything changes but nothing is truly lost. Just as you said.. it is a continuous process…

haha.. I’ve written this blog out of emotions and I don’t know if I was being rational haha. oh well. Now, I am okay with who I am. I guess, being able to verbalize my thoughts out releases me much of those thoughts that I’ve kept for so long. It’s also nice that you guys have given comments on this.

what can I say. Those masks were, yes, part of who I am. Those masks made me realize whom would I trust and that I wouldn’t hurt other people. Those helped me change to a better person. ayeee..

Thanks sharine. I really do appreciate your thoughts and concern. :) hehe.. Thanks!!

Posted by jdcdumapis at September 22, 2010, 8:59 pm

@kimii: thanks for your comment kim. Thanks a lot kim. hihi. you’ve read my blog gayam. ayee.. thankies. uo nga hehe..you remind me of one of my friends with what you said, that’s good.better than keeping it all to yourself..” true talaga hihi..he also told me not to bottle my feelings up.. cause it would just result to depression and stuff..
hihi.. kim.kim..salamat.. and you know, i’m here din for you my friend..

thanks again.. luv you kabsat. :)

Posted by jdcdumapis at September 22, 2010, 9:03 pm

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