May 13, 2010

In this blog, I would be just describing the details of my day- May 13, 2010.

Boredom kills

It does, really. Having two weeks off from hospital duty is harder than I thought it would be. I guess I was used to being busy with all these school requirements, spending at least 3 hours of sleep or no sleep at all, only being able to eat dinner, being frustrated with NCPs, drug studies and pathophysiologies, and being preoccupied with some random thing (like listening to youtube or staring blankly). The routine I’ve been used to has been difficult to break. Not only did I gain additional weight, I’ve spent hours staring at the computer screen, just trying to figure out what productive thing should I do. 

But then again.. 

Boredom makes  ‘things’ happen…

     Out of boredom, I  visited movie2k.com and watch-movies.net (my online source of free online movie streaming). I browsed over the movies on the website’s list. August Rush- this movie title suddenly crossed my mind. It was a movie which was recommended by my close friend, Hazeline as well as my classmates- Giovanni and Margareth (*peace* for stating your names here). I remember myself saying that I would consider looking into that movie, and it was only now that I decided clicking the button for that movie.

The movie was awesome! I’m not great with this critquing stuff or giving reviews, however, If I would rate this movie, I would give it a 5/5. Perfect! The following are the most memorable quotes in the movie for me:

•   You know what music is? God’s little reminder that there’s something else besides us in this universe, a harmonic connection between all living beings, every where, even the stars.~ Wizard
• The music is all around us, all you have to do is listen.~ August Rush
• Sometimes the world tries ot knock it out of you. But I believe in music the way that some people believe in fairy tales. I like to imagine that what I hear came from my mother and father. Maybe the notes I hear, are the same ones they heard, the night they met. Maybe that’s how they found each other. Maybe that’s how they’ll find me. I believe that once upon a time, long ago, they heard the music and followed it.~ August Rush 

   It may be kinda weird if I would have also met August Rush. I mean, could someone be so persistent as to believe that his family is still there, with the evidence of only seemingly hearing them? I guess, that made the character of August Rush- a freak. The other boys in the orphanage didn’t have the attitude that August had. He was positive that his parents were still there and that he could find them. The story was a fairy tale type. The boy learned how to play guitar, piano, compose and become a conductor with such small span of time. Prodigy huh?  

If only people would be like what the movie has portrayed, that they would have an understanding even with the absence of words.  If music could also be a bridge for people to meet, to fall in love, to reconcile,and to reach out what they would really want to tell. Fantasize. I don’t know may be that could really happen in real life. Just may be. 

One of the clips that I love most in the movie:

Falling slowly

Awww… This song was covered by Lee Dewyze and Crystal Bowersox  in a duet in American Idol season 9. It was my first time to hear the song and I didn’t know that it had earned an Oscar award. wow. It was a soundtrack in the movie, “Once,” which I haven’t watched yet. I looked into the plot though, and I didn’t quite like the ending of the story where the girl goes back to her husband after having an affair with this guy.. Poor guy.. I’ll consider watching the movie. (I wish I hadn’t spoiled myself by reading the story already.)

Well, here is the original track, and also the cover done by lee and crystal. I’ll be posting also some of the lines that I liked the most.. Uh.. the whole lyrics actually.haha. 

Glen Hansard - Falling Slowly Lyrics

I don’t know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can’t react
And games that never amount
To more than they’re meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You’ll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can’t go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I’m painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It’s time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You’ve made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I’ll sing along

Original:

Donating Blood

Yeah! Finally, I was able to donate blood. My brother arrived at home saying that he met one of the ministers of our sister church and that they were finding donors with the blood type A. Me!!! I was excited to hear that news that I would really like to go immediately to the blood bank. My two brothers and I went to to the hospital. My younger brother stated that since he didn’t have something to do, he opt to accompany us. My older brother told him that it would be better if our lil’ bro would come in case I was going to faint. Faint? sheesh. you wish.haha. just joking. 

  I would admit that I did had  a ’slight fear’ (if there was a term liket that), because the volunteers or the people in-charge of getting blood were hard up finding a vein where they would get blood from. They said I had ‘cute veins,’ really saying that it was small for the needle. The woman who was assigned to me requested the other lady to be the one to get blood from me. That’s when I felt that ’slight fear.’ They should be confident in front of the donors. How could I be sure that they wouldn’t fail, that they may prick my other hand with that needle? Hmm.. 

Well.. it was successful anyway. The other lady was able to obtain my vein with the needle. I felt itchy. I don’t know why. It feels itchy on the portion where they have inserted the needle into my skin. Weird huh? Well, since it was my first time to donate blood, they asked me to rest for more that 10 minutes. They were concerned that I might feel dizzy, collapse or fall. It turns out that the daughter of the one who was to receive our blood gave us a lift back home.

Tired.. tired.. there I finally finished with my blog. That was what happened today. Join me .. In my everyday adventure.. be amazed how boredom works in you. haha. (just joking) 

anyway, good night.

am I going back?

I don’t really understand what I’m feeling right now. I feel deserted. 

The moments that I hate the most occur when I’m left with nothing to do (that is when I choose to not do something really, even though I have tons of work to finish..hmpf.schoolwork). Well, during those times, my mind goes back to thinking about the past. I suddenly remember all those cheesy moments, like when I had awkward moments with someone I had a ‘crush on,’ who turned out to be the most annoying person ever, then finding at the end of the school year to be my far related cousin. Disappointing? However, that incident won’t even reach the level of those times  when I had been very disappointed with myself. I lied most of the times. I was trying to cover myself for insecurities I had. I pretended to feel comfortable with the ‘atmosphere’ of being with groups of people who were considered ‘in’ during those times. One little ‘white lie’ was covered by another one.. then with another.. until I have lost count and had not already known where it all started. Excuses were also piling up and it really feels like  I was trapped in a maze. I didn’t quite understand how I felt, as if I was cool with all those that were happening in my life. I grinned but that didn’t mean that I was okay. It’s what I was talking about in my past blog. It’s a masquerade. Everytime someone was trying to reach out, I would reject him or her. I didn’t want them to see me vulnerable, soft and weak. May be the reason why I had built that wall was that I was afraid they would really see the ‘me’ who was crying for help.

I denied weakness. I have once heard that those people who appear to be happy most of the time, are the saddest person really. One even said that he would prefer crying in the rain so that nobody would even notice. Hmmm. may be that was one of the ideas that came to my mind. During the feedbacks we had in commenting each other in one activity at school, most of my classmates wrote on my paper that they saw me as a jolly and happy person. Lies. 

Little by little, I seem to accept the darkness that was forming inside. I was turning into someone my friends, my parents and even my ownself couldn’t understand. I was acting rebellious, conceited, proud, sarcastic, name it. I was doing my best to hide the part of me who was trying to call for help.

Remembering these moments gives pain in my heart. I wish that that part of my past could be erased and forgotten. I never really want to go back and see who I was, and what I did.  

Now what had made me change? Jesus did. I once told my father that I was doing my best to change myself and he told me that I had it all wrong. He further stated that if I would do it on my own, then I wouldn’t succeed with transfoming to someone new. It is when I ask God to take control and change me, would I be changed completely. That was it. Simple yet I haven’t appreciated it’s meaning until he told me. Frankly, I had planned to change myself years before, but I kept on going back to who I was. I was returning to the ‘old me.’ I was actually scared of change. I was also ashamed of myself presenting it to God, thinking that I was impure and that I was not worthy of his help. I viewed myself as the lowest of all, even compared to the most notorious criminal this world had ever produced. But, that’s what the grace of God is all about. He came for me and you, those who are lost and those who are weary and heavy burdened.

Changing yourself is very hard, especially when most of your friends and relatives were already accustomed to your behaviour. Your family may be the first to even deny you have changed and claim that you were always the same. Those words have hurt me. Sometimes, even though I try so hard, they would state that I was always like that, “the same old person” who would commit those mistakes. It’s as if I was branded and would never make an improvement. I guess that is humanity, and maybe a lot of people would never understand that when Jesus works, everything is possible. He turns a heart of stone to a heart of flesh, he heals us, he transforms us, and we are new creations in His name. 

  Humanity may not understand that but I stay firm on what I believe. I’m not going back to who I was. Even though people would persist on seeing me as the ‘person before,’ I would say that they should look at the person at the present. I don’t like the saying ‘First impression lasts,’ because that fools us. For me, it should never last. If I would be convinced of that saying, it’s as if I’m saying that people don’t have hope for change, that we are limited to who we were and would always stay as that.  However, I believe in God and His ability to help us radically change our lives. Even though I may have moments when my mind would wander back to the past… Definitely, I’m not going back.

 A video by Brandon Heath- I’m not who I was… thanks for reading my blog

Behind the scenes

 “Things aren’t always what they seem
You’re only seeing part of me
There’s more than you could ever know
Behind the scenes
I’m incomplete and I’m undone
But I suppose like everyone
There’s so much more that’s going on
Behind the scenes”

To describe a person in one word, in my opinion would be impossible. A person who you may say is an honest man, may be branded by someone as a cheat. A person who we may see as a cheat may actually be seen as an honest man by other people. That is society. At one point or another we have played that part- to stereotype or even descriminate. All of us are actually a part of this masquerade.

Who are those people who are really true? I don’t really know. I don’t even consider myself as that. I remember one friend I had back then. He would tell me he was living in his shadows..that he likes to hide behind his mask..  I don’t really understand why he said that. I don’t really know why I feel attracted to that mystery. Who was he? Was I the person who would see who he really was? That question may have been the reason why now, I have lost him as a friend. I think I have, in one way, pushed him. I had thought that I was the person who was very transparent, that I didn’t hide any lies from him. What really happened was that I, myself, had been hiding in my own shadows and was pretending at times to be happy… to be full of life.. when actually, I was getting tired of breathing. 

For me, the greatest puzzle is not when we can’t understand another person, but when we can’t understand our own selves. At some point in my life, I admit that I become a great pretender. Smiling even though, deep inside  I really wanted to fight back. I smiled when what  I really  wanted was to cry. Why? Maybe because I wouldn’t want others to see that I’m vulnerable. Maybe because I wanted to show an aura which shows that I could manage it all. It turned out that the more I would accept it, the more pain others would cause me. They wouldn’t be sensitive of my feelings since I don’t show it to them. They may think that it’s okay for since I don’t complain.

Why.. Why do I have to put up a mask. Why can’t I show them that it’s been difficult. Why can’t I be the weaker one? I guess I can’t since my pride has been so big that it has overwhelmed me.I would rather blame others for my mistake. They aren’t sensitive enough and now I’m resolving to self-pity. Why?

There were moments in the past where I had ‘break-downs.’ At that one event, when I couldn’t keep my composure, I cried when my groupmates were with me. I had felt as if a heavy burden in my heart wanted to come out-then, bursted out tears. It was so painful. I was thinking of myself.. myself.. and only myself.  There were some instances that I cried before my parents, expressing the ‘unfair life’ that I am in. I even doubt the purpose of my existence. Why should one suffer?

Up to know. I am still puzzled why I am so fond of hiding behind a mask. There were instances though that I have to wear it so that I would not hurt other people. I would seem to put up a happy face when in fact I am utterly upset of other people. I would decide to stay calm when I am angry when I feel the heat boiling up. I choose silence when I feel that I would burst out harsh words. I choose to stay strong for other people when I know they need me most. 

That is the puzzle that I have to figure out. There may be moments where we need to put our masks on.. depending on what reasons we have.